I used to think that STAR testing was hard and boring. Then last month I took the SAT test.

I like to consider myself a very optimistic and motivated student, but even the biggest coffee and the healthiest brain food couldn't make my energy last through to the very end of the seven hours of SAT testing. It's kind of funny, because I tutor a seventh grader, and sometimes the homework I see her doing makes me want to cry because I am jealous and reminisce back to the days of easier math in my life.. It makes me want to give up and return to the basic 1+1=2 steps of math.

I know that I have always wanted to be older. And most of the time, I feel as if I can conquer the world. Most of the time I feel as if I have everything under control and am very accomplished and grown up for my age. I have always wanted to be in college, or off in some foreign country revolutionizing the world with my youth and talent, but lately all I've wanted to do was take a few days off of school and sleep in a cave. I feel like even though I have so much strength and potential, I'm not quite ready. I've been itching to be in college for so long now, and have been constantly preparing myself by making the work load bigger and bigger and my schedule busier and busier, making each step I take count for more than the last, but the weird thing is, I still don't feel quite ready.

I feel like a little kid, surrounded by all my classmates and friends. To me, they look like they are ready for college and they look like adults who have it all figured out and have it all together. But I can't see the adult in me. It's starting to fade away, like I can't quite grasp it. People keep telling me that I'm changing, that they see me growing a lot this year, and although I was saved this year and am growing as a Christian, I still sometimes feel like a five year old. Don't get me wrong, I know I am going to love college, wherever that is going to be. I know that I am a strong girl and I will be just fine. I know that because I have conquered my first SAT test - and therefore I can do anything.

I'm just not sure what that next thing is.